How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
