As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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