my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize