Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
