i jhust puked up my retainher.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
