1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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