I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
