did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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