There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
