Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
