someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
