I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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