Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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