I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
