yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
