When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
