i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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