Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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