Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
