my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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