I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
