1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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