I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He better not be in your backpack
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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