Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
