i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
