I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
