We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
