there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
