Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
