i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
