Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
