The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize