You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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