the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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