Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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