I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I looked at my own cervix.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
3pm strippers are depressing
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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