Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
