The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
