I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
