I CAN MOONWALK!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
