If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
