We're facebook friends in real life
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize