thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
