I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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