Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
