I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
