And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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