do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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