I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
