I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
