I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize