I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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