You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
