How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
