we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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