this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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