I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
