i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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