I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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