My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
