The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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