A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
