If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
