Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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