Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
