I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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