Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize