ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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