How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
