On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize