$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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