yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
