I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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