i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
